Sunday, November 15, 2009

Where would we go?

"From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him. 'You do not want to leave too, do you?' Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.'" --John 6:66-68

Have you ever been angry with God? I balk at the gall of humans who have the nerve to be angry with God, and yet I am. There it is.

I would love to confess a really "good" reason for my anger -- some consuming illness, an untimely death, a great injustice. However, the reason is so basic and fleshly. I want what I want and God has not given it to me. I want more money.

It's so awful to see it written here. It's so horrifying to confess it. Gone is the spiritual pride.

I have wonderful, very practical reasons for wanting more money. I don't need to go into all of that here. Yet God has seen fit to tighten our finances. I'm not alone. It seems everyone's finances are tighter these days. The economy is tough right now. There are so many without jobs; so many without good health care. So many are doing without the grandeur of a former life.
"Does this offend you?" Jesus asked. He was saying a hard thing to his
disciples. Many of them turned away and followed him no more.
I am so deeply offended by having to suffer on any level. I aspire to be a holy, righteous, sanctified Christian woman and I can't get past the fact that God won't give me more than one bathroom. Wretched woman that I am! Who will rescue me? Christ alone.

What a battle rages inside of me! I rail against God with my demands, my discontent, my selfish brattiness, even while conceding that He has given me everything. At the same time, I beg Him not to leave me or forsake me. Yes, I take offense at the hard things, but where would I go? He has the words of eternal life. I long for the Christian hedonism of which John Piper speaks. "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."

Why is this so hard? My only hope is the promise that God will be faithful to complete the work that He began in me.

I will not turn back. I fear I will be broken soon because of the stubborness of my sin, but I will not turn back. I'm so angry, Lord, but break me. I'm afraid of how it will hurt me, but break me. I'm begging You to break me and make me like You. I will not turn back. Where would I go?

Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you. Let this be the "winter of my discontent". Let me be content under your rule. I need You. I cannot do this on my own. I'm sorry. Forgive me. Amen.

Hebrews 13:5-6
Ecclesiastes 5:10
Psalm 63

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